I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of falling. I'm not scared of the dark, I'm scared of what's in it. I'm not afraid to love, I'm afraid of not being loved back.I know that things aren’t the same, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t wish they were .I know things will never work out between us but I’m afraid that if I stop trying then it'll be final, but if I don’t give up then I can still have hope, hope always makes me feel more secure. Never give up if you still want to try, Never wipe your tears if you still want to cry, Never settle for the answer if you still want to know, Never say you don’t love him if you cant let him go. you know we both said it.."I love you".."I love you too"
the only difference? I didn’t lie.
My toes curled up,blood started rushing to my head,i started feeling light headed,this couldn’t be happeneing,this wasn’t happeing,i put my hand on my head,all off a sudden mixed emotions started hitting me,love,frustration,fear,anger.
I gripped tightly pon the phone as i looked up,Smurkz was laughing with the magazine in his face.
He put the magazine down, “yeah” he was trying not to laugh.
I started getting vex i started getting BARE vex.
I gripped onto the phone.
“fucking bitch” i screamed and threw it right in his eye.
“U FUCKING SLUT – WHAT THE FUCK” he held onto his eye as he fell onto the floor from the sofa from all the pain,i turned around,connor was in the bathroom,i didn’t know how to feel i actually didn’t know how to feel.
I ran out the flat,running as fast as i can,suddenly i buckled when i got to the shops and a group off 13 year olds across the road started laughing got up and touched the graze on my forhead,it fucking hurt.
I looked at my heels and the left one had broke,i knew i should have got the leapord print ones from next,stupid cheap asos. i looked up and saw the group off boys coming towards me.
It was bare cold,the breeze was mad,i was wearing high waisted jeans with a vest top.
“yo u alright miss” one off the youngers said – he looked bare like T.I , like a proper younger version.
One tried grabbing onto my thigh,i moved and gave him some look, “i said,im alright”.
I kissed my teeth and took my heels off and started walking bare fast barefoot,the little stones on the floor was hurting my feet.
I ran – i ran for my life,i ran anywhere,i didn’t care if people were watching me,my life was ruined,why should i care.
I got to a bus stop and the 300 was their,i jumped on it and begged the man if i could get on,he let me on and i sat downstairs at the back ,i started crying, everyone was watching me but i didn’t care,i just started bawling bare hard,an old lady turned around and gave me a tissue.
“thank you” i said and wiped my tears with the tissues.
The bus stopped at a bus stop and a familiar face got on.
“shaniquais that u” he came towards the back off the bus and hugged me,everyone was watching by now like say it was eastenders on the back of the bus.
“what the fuck u looking at” he said to some next Russian man staring at my thighs.
Everyone got shook when he said that and didn’t look no more,i looked up and sighed.
“prince my lifes so fucked up” i started bawling even more.
“ah stop cryin” he kissed my forhead,he bent his face down so we looked at eachother,i thought he was gonna kiss me.
“whats wrong beautiful?” he asked.
I just looked back at him.
He chuckled,”you cant talk nuh?”.
“its..its him” i said while my heart burst inside when ‘him’ got mentioned.
“who?” he asked giving me a crunchie bar.
I took it and started opening it while sniffing,”i don’t wanna talk about it”.
He rubbed my back,”its cool ,i understand,but its my stop b , i need to go still,mums gain mad,but ill call u late yeah?” he said as the bus stopped.
“um,yeah” i smiled at him and he kissed my cheek then got off,but my heart was still breaking up inside,how the fuck could he do that to me? I knew he didn’t mean SHIT in the first place! Why did i even waste my time! Im a fucking sket,no man likes me,they use me for beat,for head,i kept telling myself that on the bus making me feel even more stressed.
I threw the rest off the crunchie bar in the seat next to me and i got off at my stop,i knew where i was going,home.
The place Davontae and me grew up,the place so many memories were made,the place i was safe at.
I cried as i walked home with my heels in my hands,my mascara ran down my face,and my hair fucked up with big and small strands off hair coming out off my messy bun,i felt my phone still inbetween my breasts,the only thing i had,the only thing i had,fuck connor,fuck Monisha,fuck them both,fuck the yute he had with Monisha,fuck my life,i HATE both of them and never want to see them again,actually i do want to see them again,i knew why.
I wiped my tears and fixed my hairs,i put my heels on the floor and started wlaking,i fixed my jeans and top and wiped my mascara off my face,it was just me walking on this road,it was dark around 9pm,when i finally got to my house,i got the key from under the plant pot,where it always is and opened it,the lights upstairs where on,i heard voices,someone was beating upstairs,and i knew who,tula.
“TULAAAAAAAAA” i called out.
I heard her say “ shit,get out ,thats my sister” bare loud thinking i wont hear,i started chuckling to myself,my sister was a sket,like me,and basically i couldn’t her lectures on how to be good and shit and ‘lead her into the right path’ of like because i couldn’t chat,look at me.
She came downstairs with no make up on and a towel around her,she didn’t notice their was cum down her leg.
“shan,what are u doing here?”
I looked at her,admiring her face,i shrugged my shoulders.
“did u get that text i sent u – about marko” she said coming downstairs.
“yeah- why does he wanna see me” i asked as we both went into the kitchen.
“i dunno – he belled me home cuh he didn’t have ur number i think then i told him u wernt here so he said text her that i wanna see her - hes in hospital unah he cant-“
“yeah man,whatever,ill just see him tomorrow” i interrupted not giving a shit,i really didn’t wanna see him tomorrow,my head was hurting bare and my stomach was going up and down,it was grumbling and i was feeling sick.
We both sat down on the sofa,when her butters man walked out the house, i burst out crying, i started bawling and bawling.
“shaniqua – whats wrong” she asked as she put her juice down and came to hug me.
“that fuckin bitch – Monisha” i wept.
“the cheung one? What she do” she asked as she hugged me and gave me some tissues.
“that fuckin liar,MY man,has a yute wit her” i lifted my head up, “ ive got HIV too tula”.
Her face looked so shocked,she couldn’t speak,”you-youve got hiv?” she asked scared.
She shuffled away slightly from me abit,i looked up at her and scrunched up my forhead,i got bare angry and stood up, “FUCK YOU U FUCKIN SKET, U DONT EVEN GIVE TWO SHITS!” i spat at her and ran out the door.
I as bare angry at the fact she moved away from me,why the fuck would she do that,shes my stinking sister for gods sake,shes supposed to support me fuck my life! I fell onto the floor,5 minutes away from my house,in front off the park,it was so dark and me and connor were supposed to leave for Barbados at 4 in the morning today because we was going to move their and live their happily ever after,fuck this shit,theirs no such thing as a happy ending,theirs no such thing as a family,as love,as happiness,but there is such thing as jealousy,hate, despite, misery,fuckery.
i had no life,their was no point of me on this planet, why am i still here,i bring sadness to people,i bring un happiness and misery,i was so fucked off i started gripping onto bits off my hair and pulling it,bits off rain starting falling down,i looked up as rain drops landed on my face.
“CONNNNNNNNNNNORRRRRRRRRRRR”, i screamed as tears where mixing with the rain,thunder hit.
then i knew where i was gonna go, i knew what i had to do,i started running,i started running bare fast as bits off stones were getting crushed as i ran over them,m y feet were bruised and full off blood,i had to run 15 minutes to get to her house,i was gonna teach this bitch a lesson,i didn’t care if i was gonna get fucked up,i didn’t care if i was gonna die tonight,i was gonna let my emotions out and not be shook for once,because ive lost everything,theris no need for me to re think things twice,ive lost him – and ive lost everyone,no ones here for me,except prince,but i don’t even feel comfortable talking to him.
I got to her estate after 15 minutes off running,i ran up the stairs all soaked in water,some rasta man who stank off weed and piss smacked my ass as i ran up the stairs,i didn’t care i kept on running when i got to the 5th floor of her and Smurkz estate,fuck him too.
I knocked on the door vigorously, my hair in wet curls and face with no make up,i looked kinda nice i thought in my mind.
She opened the door in tears,she thought i didn’t know,fuckin bitch.
“shaniqua – im so-so happy your here” she leapt onto me.
I grabbed her hair and pushed her into the flat.
I pushed her down onto the floor,she started bawling harder, “u fuckin bitch,after everything i do for u,u knew he was my man,u knew i loved him to fuckin bits,I WOULD KILL FOR HIM” i screamed with tears down my face.
She held onto her stomach,hope that yutes dead,i hope she dies,im gonna make sure,im gonna kill her,tonight.
I bent down and grabbed her neck and slammed her onto the glass coffee table,and said "u fucked my life up – i have NOTHIN , i have fuckin NOTHIN" i sobbed.
"i..i di-“ i didn’t let her finish her sentence,i kicked her in the face and made sure i broke her nose by kicking her again and again, i made sure i heard a few bones crack before i left this flat.
She grabbed my foot as i tried kicking her in her face again , i fell back againt the wall,i held onto my head it fuckin hurt so badly ,she got up - she grabbed my hair with her left hand and kneed me in the pussy with her right leg. I grabbed her tits so hard she let go off my hair and i twisted them as she screamed form the top off her voice,i grabbed her neck and put her in a head lock and started punching the yute in her stomach – if it was still their.
I started spitting in her hair,this bitch pissed me off so badly,she aint the last one tonight getting this for sure.
The door opened and all i saw was some next man,it looked like her uncle,that Kevin guy i met once,he took a gun out,my mind started getting light headed when i saw it,it put too much pressure in my head,i heard his lips move without making noise,my mind started spinning,i dropped Monisha down on the floor,i didn’t know if she was alive,he took the gun out and pulled the trigger,i closed my eyes and gripped onto my stomach as a large pain came rushing through my body.