i didn’t remember anything after that,i just remember waking up with some man sobbing in a different room.
I got up the floor from exactly where i was when Kevin blasted the trigger,i looked down at my stomach and didn’t see any blood,i put both hands on my head because i had some bad headache,i felt like my brain was tryna escape from my skull,banging against it,i let out a cry off pain quitly,i think it was Kevin sobbing,i limped towards the kitchen where Monisha kept her pills,i picked my phone up from across the living room as i walked to the small cardboard boxed kitchen, i opened a couple of cupboards then found some paracetamol,i took 3 and gulped them down with my saliva,i coughed slightly then turned around to head for the room where the crying was coming from,it was coming from Monisha and Smurkz room.
I limped towards the door not trying to make too much noise.
It was Kevin sobbing.
Monisha was on the bed.
He put his lips on her forhead and kissed her.
He turned his head round and saw me,then he put both hands on his face and started crying,”ITS ALL BECAUSE OF U” he sobbed “ ITS ALL BECAUSE OF U MY NEICE IS DEAD!”.
“just please get the fuck out before i decide to shove a strap down your cum stained throat” he said calmly with tears stained down his face.
I kissed my teeth, “ well if it wasn’t for ur sketty neice to go and have a yute wit my man dis wouldn’t have even happened” and with that i grabbed a strap from the kitchen and dashed out the flat,i put the strap in my bra,well it wasn’t a strap it was a pen knife but anyway,i was on some usain bolt wave right now.
I was sprinting down the pavement into a park,and when i knew i was far from the estate i stopped and sat down on a bench,it was dark.
i took deep breaths in because i ran too fast,i calmed down and looked at my blood stained jeans,why did they even have blood on them; the left strap on my vest top was ripped and i looked like a lion,my hair was so bushy,i didn’t even know how my tight curls got like this,i had no shoes on and my feet were blistered and horrible,the nail polish on my toes were fading and it looked so ugly,the brownish nail polish was turning grey and it made my feet look like granny shits.
I looked around,it was bare cold,and i just clocked everyone was staring at me as they walked past,some woman sat next to me and tried bussing a convo with me like say i got out mental hospital? Bare tryna give me nhs numbers and shit.
“thank you but im alright” i kissed my teeth.
“now hunny,we all say that”
I looked at this blonde haired granny with some emosh screw ,”i said im alright,u understand English or something, Do i have to explain myself in Chinese - Hǎo ba, nǐ āng zāng de pìgu jíshí biǎo zi, nǐ háishì xiǎng zhīdào nǐ de liǎn le jǐ xiāng, qù xīshǔn nǐ de rǔtóu zhòu, tā mā de gǒu shǐ, zǒu kāi.” I then kissed my teeth,i learnt Chinese in school,and picked up on some rude words.
She literally ran,she literally ran like i was some crazy mad woman,i laughed to myself on the bench.
I looked at my phone,it was 11pm,i put it away and bawled,i bawled so hard my stomach was hurting.
“yo – u look like u need some help” he sat down and handed me a tissue.
I wiped my tears with the tissue but didn’t stop crying inside,i looked up at him,my pussy started getting wet,my nipples were becoming erect and my back – i felt goosebumps all the down my back.
This boy was emotional,he was a lighty,with slits in his eyes,shapeup was neat and was wearing his hood up,a boy like this carries neat tissues in his pockets.
He laughed,his smile made my bones go weak,his mouth was like chris browns i notices “y u moanin”.
My senses came back to me,”he used me”i looked straight in front off me into the darkness,”he used me,it was all a lie” i managed to say without bursting into tears again.
He put his arm around me “u need loving” he put his hand on my blood stained jeans.
I looked at him,then i lipsed him,i lipsed him so hard.
His tongue came in my mouth,i put my arms around his masculine neck,his chest squeezed against my breasts,i jumped on his lap,his man hood pressed against me,he put his hands up my top,in my bra,massaging my tits as i explored my tongue in his sexy mouth. He came down and kissed my neck,sucking on it,making me moan,i dint even know his name,he had a tattoo on his neck saying ‘Reignz’ that could have been his tag.
He used his hands to push my tits up,then he sucked on my cleavage,i didn’t stop him,fuck connor,i need dick.
He stopped, “u wan cum wit me” i nodded then he grabbed on my hand and we crossed the road to a whip,it was a black Vauxhall.
He opened it then we stepped in at the backseat.
He ripped my top off and pushed down my jeans,he took his hood off and pulled down his trackies,he looked about 18|19.
He came down on me,pushing his tongue in my mouth,my pussy was soaking,it was literally leaking,i was so wet.
“u ready yh” he whispered with his deep voice.
“nah lets go ur yard” i suggested.
He was quite for like aminute,”ite yh but a quick fuck now”.
I nodded,he looked so ni – SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT he entered his manhood in me.
“fuckkkk” i cried.
He laughed going superfast.
I felt the car moving as his 92038293 inch dick was pumping my pussy,it gave me medicine,it gave me loving,its just what i needed,just what i needed after going through all this stress,connor couldn’t fuck like him.
I let out some big moan ,i was gonna cum.
I looked at him,his face made me wetter,my thighs made that slapping cause of how wet i was,cum was all down my legs.
He pushed his chest against my breasts forcing his dick to go all the way out,”aiii” i cried.
He kept his dick all rammed up in my pussy for like 30 seconds still,then he took it all out and pushed it all in my pussy again,going as further as his manhood goes,he held it for like 30 seconds again,he done that like 5 times,i cummed nearly everytime he did,it felt so good,then he started slow fucking me.
“whats ur name sexy” he said fucking me slow.
My eyes were at the back off my head,i couldn’t even reply,”sh-sha-s” i gave up and done some BIG MOAN.
He laughed bare hard as he took himself out off me,he had stamina u know,he wasn’t even panting or anything.
I was breathing so hard my lungs had reached my throat.
He pushed his lips on mine my arms flung around his neck,he dug his fingers in my hot pussy,why couldn’t he stick his dick in der again.
One finger – i didn’t feel anything.
Two fingers – it was alright.
Three fingers – he left me paralyzed in pleasure.
He stopped and i was just breathing bare hard,i opened my eyes and he was just staring at me,naked, in his car.
He chukled then jumped in the drivers seat from behind, he started up his car, i rose up.
“were we going?” i asked putting my top on.
“my yard init” he said driving.
I didn’t really wanna go his yard anymore but i didn’t wanna say no.
He stopped driving after 10 minutes then we got out his car,his yard was nice,it wasn’t big ro anything,but it wsa really nice inside,the walls were decorated and it was bare clean.
I heard music coming from upstairs,sneakbo was playing.
He grabbed my hand before i could say anything and we pulled me upstairs,he lead me in some room,it was pink with butterflys over it,and pictures off porn stars.
Some girl was at the computer,she had shoulder length red hair,she turned around,i wanted to be sick,her nose was so fucking big,her grey eyes were sexy but her lips wernt doing it,they looked bare crusty,she was black but not blik.
“whos she” she asked looking at me.
“us lots r gonna be doing a ting init” he said sitting on the double bed,he went under the bed and got some white shit out.
He looked at me,”come” i came over.
The girl went back on the computer and put some porn on,she started watching it like say its casjj for a stranger to come in your room and u put porn on.
I sat on his bed and he lined up the coke on the little cardboard box with some asda giftcard.
“sniff some” he said.
I looked up at him then looked at the coke,i bent down and sniffed a line,i coughed slightly,but it was nice,it felt relaxing,i needed more.
I bent down for the second line and sniffed it up too,he laughed,i flung my head back sniffing it all up my nose.
I bent down again and sniffed another line up,i fell back on the bed, i didn’t know off my surroundings,i was so high,i just started giggling none stop.
The girl from the computer sat down next to me and started rubbing my tits,she took off my top and i lipsed her.
“oi karina finger her” he said as he sniffed a line,he was too sexy to fuck his life up,a boy like him could get into new York and shit to model and tings,hes fucked his life up bigtime.
She took my jeans off and threw them on the floor,she put two fingers in and started fingering me while lipsing me, i grabbed onto her boobs and started pulling her nipples,she let out a moan while she wsa kissing me.
She stopped and turned around to him,” can we suck ur dick please”.
He laughed and got up from the bed,i suddenly got up and walked over to him,i pulled his trackies down for him and grabbed onto his dick,i bent down and started kissing the crown,he grabbed onto my hair,the girl came behind me and got underneath me sucking my pussy,sucking all the juices out,it turned me on even more so i sucked on his dick harder, deep throating and making sure it felt nice,my tongue was massaging it as i sucked it.
He sounded even sexier when he was getting brain.
He stopped me and picked me up ,he put me carfully on the floor and i felt something go up me,it didn’t feel like a dick,it felt like a bottle or something,i moaned,he took it an and out off me faster i started moaning harder while grabbing onto my tits.
The girl started laughing and walked out the room,then next thing u know i hear barking coming up the stairs.
“reignz lets use terror” she said.
He laughed so haard,”blud ur disgusting”.
He got the little poodle off her and brought him next to my pussy,then i feel some big tongue across my pussy i moaned so hard as i gripped onto my tits harder,they both started cracking up,then FUCK.
I screamed,it bit my pussy.
I kicked the dog in the face,i put my hand on my pussy and it was full off blood,i started crying,the girl came and boxed me in the face,” stop cryin fuckin sket,its what u asked for” she punched me again.
Reignz came over me and kicked me in the face,i started cryin.
“get this std out my house”.
OH SHIT,,when he mentioned STD it reminded me i had HIV.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA” i started laughing so hard it was unreal,laughing like a mad woman, HES GOT HIV,HES GOT HIV HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH,i was saying that to myself in my head all over again and again and again.
He looked at her and gabbed me by my hair,he threw me out the house naked and i was still laughing like a mental piece off shit,i was high.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA” i gripped onto my stomach,it was hurting because off how badly i was laughing,tears were forming in my eyes,my laughing slowly turned into crying,she threw my clothes out the window,my blood stained jeans,my blood stained and half ripped vest top,and my blood stained bra,i got to an allyway and i wore my clothes and made sure i wiped my pussy with some leaves before i put my jeans on,it stung so much,i was high and full off blood,laughing like a mad woman.
I was walking through Brixton at like 1 in the morning,me and connor was supposed to leave for Barbados at 4.
i looked for my phone and realised he took it, I put my hands in my head and started bawling so hard,i didn’t have shoes either,i brushed my hair with my fingers and tried neating it up but didn’t work.
I walked into a cornor shop and begged the man for a kitkat,after 15 minutes off begging he threw the kit kat in my face and told me to get out before they called the police.
I cried as i walked to the royal Brompton hospital,i eat half off my kit kat threw the rest away,i didn’t feel hungry anymore i just felt sick.
“hello miss can i help you” a lady said while looking at my blood stained clothes,i didn’t say anything,i just looked.
“Robert can you please take this young lady to the help centre,get her some new clothes and something to eat” she said to an old black man behind the reception.
I was high but all i could say was “thank you”.
He too my hand and lead me into a little room,it had a bed,a coffee machine and some hospital clothes on the bed.
I looked around and sat down on the bed and sighed,i looked at the blood from my pussy staining the whole left leg off my jeans.
“is their something you want to tell me dear?” the old man said.
I didn’t say anything.
“have you been raped?” he asked.
“is marko here” i bit my nails.
“their could be lots of markos here love,id their someone your loo-“
“i wanna see marko” i felt so dizzy.
“alright,come on then we’ll go reception and look for him,but get changed first,your clothes ar’nt looking to right hun” he limped over to the bed and gave me some hospital gown,i looked at it,”i don’t wanna wear this”.
He sighed,”ill see what i can do”.
He walked out the room,i got off the bed slowly and just looked at the ground,i started walking around in little circles,something i always used to do before my mum gave me my lunch,it was a habit., i kind of missed that hoe.
After a while,i wasn’t feeling that high,the old man with the stubborn beard walked back into the room and handed me a pair off old baggy jeans and a baggy plain black t-shirt and some pimpsoles.
“its the best i could find”
“thank you” i said while waiting for him to get out.
“is their something else you wa-oh i see ill go so you could get changed” he chuckled,”just come out when your ready so we could find marko for you”.
I waited for him to walk out,when he did i fell to the floor and just cryed,i didn’t know why but just cried,i missed connor so much,i missed his touch and his feel,his breath,his arms,his mouth,his chest,his loving,i needed him.
I didnt even wanna see marko,but he was the only person left,maybe he could help me out.
When i changed into the baggy male clothing and shoes me and the old man named bob went to the reception and looked for names under marko,then i found him.
“well,theirs marko smith,marko wright,marko hughes,mar-“
“marko hughes-thats him”.
“hes in ward...10 its just their” he pointed at a room, ”he’s in room number 2,would you want me to come with you or are you going to be alright ms coremstell”
“im going to be alright” i smiled at him and slowly made my way to the ward,i opened the door and saw room number two and my heart started beating bare fast, i was scared but i wanted to see marko,it had been such a long time.
I opened the door carefully and he was on his bed playing psp,he looked up,he looked so chueng,his hazel eyes,his light self,his juicy lips,his muscalr body was calling for me.
“shaniqua what – what r u doin here” he asked putting the psp down.
“um u said u wanted to talk to me,tula said tha-“
“oh yeah,i called u up but ur sister picked up,and” he scractched his head, “i forgot what i was gonna tell u anyway”.
He went back to playing his game on his psp,i looked at the desk near him,get well soon cards and flowers were placed everywhere,i just looked at him.
“marko,im so sorry about what i did,i shouldn’t have shanked u up” i said nervously.
He looked up,”yeah u shouldn’t have” he kissed his teeth, “why u here now anyway”he looked me up and down,”and y u wearin trampy clothin,i swear u was supposed to meet me here like 4 days ago,the thing i was gonna tell u could have been important unah , now i forgot it” he kissed his teeth.
I didn’t know what to say,”i..i wanted to see if ur alright”.
He laughed,”i cant move my legs,their paralyzed cuz off what u did to me, the veins have been disconnected from my brain because off how much shock i was in,i cant move them now,its gonna be like that forever,because off you” he said,i thought he was gonna be angrier,but i didn’t know what to say.
“but maybe if you didn’t rape me or try beatin me to death it wouldn’t have happend,would it” i kissed my teeth and folded my hands.
I turned around and walked out before looking at the time,it was half past 2 in the morning,why did u even bother coming to see him,i unfolded my arms as i walked out the hospital realising i still had the little pen knife in my bra,i took it out making sure no one saw me as i walked the empty streets,then i knew where i was going,i was gonna visit connor,a little visit with this knife.
I laughed as i walked down the street,a van honked at me as it went past,i started running all off a sudden getting paranoid,i kept on telling myself ‘he got her pregnant and had a yute with her’ to get me even more pissed,and it did,i was fuming, i got his estate like 15 minutes away from the hospital and knocked on his door,i kept knocking and knocking and knocking fuming with anger,i heard him un lock the door and then he opened it.
It went in him nice and slow, his eyes showed the pain,it made me relax,i took it out off him as he fell back,i put it in him again making sure i go deeper.
“THATS HOW I FELT – THATS HOW I FUCKIN FELT WHEN U GAVE HER A YUTE – IT WAS FUCKING YESTERDAY CONNOR –FUCKING YESTERDAY!AFTER ALL THE TIMES WE HAD! LOVE DOESNT MEAN SHIT!”
“sha-shaniqua i love u” he coughed, “don’t say that,love is what we both – what we both are in now,ive always had love for u” he coughed on the floor again holding his stomach,”i didn’t – i didn’t get Monisha pr-“ then he stopped.
“CONNOR” i bent down,”fuckin wake up!” i shook his shoulders.
“connor,don’t do this to me,get up,stop joking” i laughed,my laughing stopped when i knew he wasn’t joking.
I put my hands on my mouth as tears cascaded down my face,hot tears,what did i just do,i steped back,what the fuck did i just do. I looked at my hands,they were full of blood,i screamed and looked at connor.
“CONNOR GET THE FUCK UP STOP IT,ITS NOT FUNNY,JOKES OVER,STOPPPPPPP” I sobbed so hard and loud.
I moved away from him and crossed my legs on the floor,i kept punching myself,i pulled my hair i kicked my legs,”what the fuck have i just done, what the fuck have i just done, what the fuck have i just done” i kept repeating and repeating it over and over again.i screamed and screamed.
My baby,my boo,my life is on the floor in front off me,dead.
On the floor in front off me,lifeless.
I looked up to see him in a pile of blood and screamed,”no no no no no no” i screamed.
The phone rang,i got silent,it rang and rang,i didn’t do anything,i stood still,i got scared,it went to voicemail.
“yo,i cant get to shaniqua phone,but what man did wernt right still,i beg u bell her up and tell her it wernt u it was some ova connor and another Monisha,i just felt like annoyin her,low me,and sorry for any trouble caused yeah,ill leave you two at it den,safe”.
IT WAS SMURKZ.
IT WAS FUCKING SMURKZ.
IT WAS FUCKING SMURKZ SAYING I DID THAT TO MONISHA AND THE LOVE OF MY LIFE FOR NOTHING.
IT WAS SMURKZ SAYING I FUCKED UP MY LIFE FOR NO REASON.
I SCREAMED.I SCREAMED SO LOUD I COULDNT HEAR MYSELF,MY SCREAM WAS DEAFENING.
I jumped on connor,”no no no im so sorry,connor i love u,get up – PLEASE GET THE FUCK UP,U CANT DO THIS,IM SORRY,IM SORRY IM SORRY,GET UP!” i sobbed and wept , i sobbed and wept for half an hour,on connor. I had enough off screaming and ive had enough off this life,theirs no point of me living,why am i even here,ive ruined so many lifes,ive killed so many people,markos legs are paralyzed because off me,my brothers dead because of me, why has god decided to put me through all this,what did i do to him.
I looked up at the ceiling, “BRING HIM BACKKKKKKK HE DIDNT DO ANYTHIN TO YOU,BRING HIM BACKKK” i banged on Connors chest,god was useless he didn’t do anything,if he wasn’t usless connor would have still been here,in my arms,making love.
I took my top off,and my bra and i took the knife in my hands.
I walked in between Connors legs,still crying and bawling,i put my hand on his hand and i put my chest against his,i was lying down on top off me,oh how it felt so relaxing,i sighed as my bottom lip trembled,i felt his touch,my chest was full off blood i lifted my left arm up exposing the knife in my hands,should i do this,should i not.
A tear fell down on his chest,i looked at his flesh on me,his blood on me.
“connor,i love you” it went deep,deep into my stomach,i twisted it inside,making sure i felt every single bit of it,because thats how he felt,i wanted to feel what he felt before i killed him,before i took his life,before i took away the love f my life,because off stupidity.
I moved my hands on his arm,feeling him before my time went,rihanna California king bed was playing on mtv.
“chest to chest,nose to nose,plam to plam we were always just that close..” she sang.
A tear fell down onto his chest.
“wrist to wrist” i put my wrist on his.
“toe to toe,lips that felt just like the inside off a rose” with all my energy i managed to push myself up onto his lips,tears cascaded when i felt his touch,his last touch.
“so how come when i reach out my finger,it feels like more than distance between us.......”.